Episode Fourteen

Today I create a new life, with new rules that totally support me. Since this is the new phase of my life, I am creating it. I'm no longer simply accepting the haphazard lot I ended up with and grinding on with the rules I was handed. What I found out was that that haphazard lot, was a HAZARD, and the rules were not about me at all. The new life is likely to be odd at first because I'm so used to living through a rear-view mirror. Always looking backwards has led to a lot of crashes, you know? The rules were a strange combination of cultural taboos, superstition, magical thinking and propaganda. At least let me establish that at the moment I feel like I'm looking in the right direction, and have simplified enough to be able to sort through a few rules that I actually value.

I've been listing many of those rules in this series. What I can add is that the rule that is most important to me is knowing that LIFE LOVES ME. With this simple rule, I can walk the talk believing that it is worthwhile to life itself if not to anyone in particular. There is no need to seek approval because I am already approved of just by the fact that I am still alive. Though I may make daily, moment-to-moment mistakes, I know that life's love of me means that I cannot err on the golden pathway.

Episode Four

Any mistakes I make are merely stepping stones on my pathway. What are mistakes? This question is so important for a perfectionist to ask because the feeling of abject horror at making a mistake is real. I've learned bad habits in my life, mistakes in and of themselves, that tell me that mistakes I make define me and prove that I am worthless, that my dreams are mistakes, that someone else, anyone else can do it better than me. So mistakes are a real issue and feel not like stepping stones. So how can I say "Any mistakes I make are merely stepping stones on my pathway," when I'm sure those stepping stones are going to be slippery and prove than I can't even walk on the pathway? Phew.

I believe rethinking mistakes completely might be the ticket for me. I am determined to simply see them as learning experiences, so that if I slip I can get up again. What if the whole danged pathway is filled with stepping stones...what if the mistakes are ultimately the path that leads me to self-realization? Then the inevitability of mistake after mistake happening is unavoidable, as I truly do believe, but not terrible. What did James Joyce say? "Mistakes are the portal to discovery."

Some of the mistakes I’ve made are so monumental that they’ve changed whole families, multiple families, forevermore. Reconciling those learning experiences can be a challenge, but it seems a must. The pathway is littered with them, and they're all golden somehow if they are the pathway itself. Those mistakes are indeed the yellow brick road. If I'm going to celebrate being on a new path then I could even treasure each mistake that trips me up as a reminder that I'm on the path to self-realization. Tell me, does this make sense or am I just talking silly talk?