Chapter Two - Part Three - Clod Building or Busting?

The resistance of this clod is indeed insanely stronger than I am, and I have considered many other options. I feel like David next to this Goliath clod of resistance. It is so outsized to my strength that I don't know that there is any way to bust it up, but dang it, I'm going to try. It isn't even like when I was a kid I would lay on the lawn dreaming of one day being a screenwriter. I stumbled into screenwriting because my ex-husband wanted to direct movies, and I thought it would be neat to be partners at some level (the fact that we're divorced ought to be a clue about that logic).

I have always wanted to write. Why? Because I like to read, of course. I love to read stories that transport me to other worlds. I love plays that bring to life episodes of change in a few lives. I love to read essays and articles that make me think. I love to read poems that make me see this world in a new way. Loving to read, led me to want to write. Lots of people love to read and don't want to write, and so I can't really explain why I thought to make the leap, but I remember reading some books when I was my son's age, or my daughter's age and praying that someday I could write that way. That way was for me defined by one thing: the story changed and deepened the way I thought and felt about the world.

A great movie can do that for me, too. Can't it do that for you?

In fact, my other childhood dream was to act in movies because I felt like a great performance did that one thing: changed and deepened the way I thought and felt about the world. My father convinced me that it was the writing, not the acting that did that for me, but I didn't completely believe him until I met up with my ex-husband and stumbled into screenwriting. Once I had just the slightest understanding of the screenwriting craft, I was hooked by the notion that a great script could do that one thing: change and deepen the way people thought and felt about the world. I've never been about subtlety. I had stars in my eyes because I also saw a world that was becoming less and less literate, and thought to write screenplays would be to reach the most people. Har.

Back to reality. Hardly anyone reads a screenplay even if it is an Oscar-winning screenplay. As I worked in the industry longer, I understood that the screenwriter is the low-man on the totem pole, because literally, no one but the cast and crew reads the work. Maybe other screenwriters will read a successfully produced script because they want to see how a writer did it, but your average kid in the library is not going to pick up a screenplay, or now, rent it for their Kendal. Screenwriting is the first basic part of a huge collaboration with dozens, if not hundreds of collaborators. Just like most people who admire a building never look at its blueprint, so is it that most people who watch and love a movie never read the screenplay. The best a screenwriter can hope for is 1.) They'll direct their own scripts, or 2.) Their screenplay will attract top-notch talent and 3.) That top-notch talent will interpret the screenplay as it was intended.

Argh. It feels like the clod is growing in resistance as fast as I bust it up. Where are those inevitable points of weakness in this clod? Can it be that even after 20 years of consideration I haven't yet found out how to make this clod into fertile soil I can plant a seed idea into? It is possible that I am finally reaching a turning point in my life where I look at this clod and toss it out of the field instead of breaking it up because, God, I am sick and tired of pounding away at its resistance. Of course, I understand that the resistance, the clod, is in my heart not out there somewhere. So, now, I believe I will simply sit down and contemplate this clod and wonder for a while.

The Episode Review

This is the beginning of a new phase of my life.

I am honest, honorable, and act with integrity. LIFE LOVES ME.

I bless the gift of disappointment.

Any mistakes I make are merely stepping stones on my pathway.

I allow myself to think big dreams.

Giving service is my highest priority.

Patience is my spiritual practice.

All my work is of the highest quality.

I have faith in myself and the process I am going through.

I am finding my own voice.

I teach only what I have learned for myself.

I am becoming an expert in my field.

I am incredibly successful.

Today I create a new life, with new rules that totally support me.

It is easy for me to walk through new doors and I am always welcome.

With these declarations, and my approach to them, I hope to make a difference with my writing. Writing requires practice. Like any muscle in the body that hasn't worked that much for a while, a gentle routine is required to build up endurance, and strength. These episodes are like walking on the treadmill for fifteen minutes when you've been sitting on your butt for more than a year or two.

It takes courage for me to make the first step towards greater commitment, and I'm summoning all of mine to make this step. I have let go of nearly everything, but writing, so that I can see it is the one door I've been avoiding opening seriously for years. I may have peaked in, or even stuck my toes through, but truly I have avoided walking in through this door for a long time. Now the time has come and I am afraid of failing, or of being mediocre even. It is a visceral fear because I have eliminated all of the Plan Bs and Cs and Ds. There is nothing to fall back on anymore. I can say that even as I write this, my mind is making lists of alternative routes around the door. ("I could just get a job at Starbucks," "I could start teaching classes at the Y," "I could try to get into a teaching certificate program," etc.), but today I'm resisting that voice of reason and I'm risking it all to write.