Chapter Six - Part Two - Pesticide and Herbicide Recovery

If weeds and harmful bugs are the distractions that come into a writer's life, then pesticide and herbicide are the self-delusion that they can be controlled without any effort. I've experienced heavy use of self-delusion for years and years because I believed that I could do both -- I could change the world to suit my needs and I could maintain my innocence.

It is true that I am living in an area of the country that is crazy for organic farming, but that does not mean I have no sympathy for the crop duster farming of the mid-20th century. I really get it. This is the thing: I had a dear grand-uncle, Pretty Pa, who was a crop dustin' fool. He believed in the "green revolution" of his time, having lived through the dust bowl. He knew the value of creating a reliable source of food and cotton not just for his own pockets but also in developing nations that were plagued by famine and shortages because of pests of all kinds. He knew that the consumer didn't want worm-eaten apples, or rusty grapefruits, or weavel eaten cotton. He was highly successful as a farmer, until he went bankrupt because his business partner embezzled money. He died of cancer at age 72, and had his ashes spread across the fields of the Rio Grande Valley from a crop duster.

In my own life, I knew that no one, least of all me, wanted to acknowledge that there was something terribly wrong in my life. I chose to be "practical" and put aside my aspirations, or at the most give them the smallest fraction of my time and effort, in order to hold together the external picture of the life I thought everyone wanted to see in me. I thought I had the bugs and weeds pretty well concealed with my own form of pesticides and herbicides. My habits included work-aholism, always filling my home with guests, maintaining an optimist's point of view that it would all change for the better. After I split with my ex-husband, I had many friends come forward and admit to me that they were frightened or offended by the way he treated me in front of them. I was shocked! I had believed that I'd been alone in my perceptions. I only vaguely recalled one lone voice of a friend telling me that she didn't think that he was the right man for me. In fact, I sought out friends and therapists who would agree with me that the marriage could be saved rather than friends and therapists who could help me face reality.

What I suffered from was the idea that with mental pesticides and herbicides I had kept under wraps all the insidious bugs of domestic violence and distractions I was creating from the eyes of my consumers. If no one else could see it then it could be reduced and reduced until finally I had magically thought it away. What I created instead was a toxic, wiped out top soil where very little could grow anymore, and a lot of it could just blow away. And it did. I went bankrupt, I lost control over where I would live, and I nearly lost what was most important to me, my children. These experiences were not unshared, my ex-husband mirrored them in his own way, and frankly I don't think either one of us has fully recovered, but he has presented that external picture of recovery whereas I have refused to put forth the idea that all is resolved and I'm just fine.

In fact, I'm flabbergasted by the expectations of friends and family who believe that I should be plowing forward as if nothing had ever happened to me. Their impatience has caused me to isolate myself at times. It's not that I want to wallow in this field that has questionable top soil, too much water at times, and that I never want to plant anything again. It's just that I realize that rushing to fix it is what got me into the mess in the first place. It takes a thousand years to naturally replace one inch of top soil. Can the world give me a few years to get my bearings? I don't want to completely abandon myself in this moment when I might actually recover what I lost track of in the past.

On the other hand, I'm sure there are those who think I've rushed into my second marriage to fix my top soil. They would be wrong. My sweet husband is the most patient man on earth I think. He knows I'm broken, and loves me anyway. We don't put on airs that everything in our lives is hunky-dory. We're not investing in anything but learning to accept each other on our own terms. He's sacrificing having all sort of bachelor-style toys to support my growth, though he points out whenever I project my guilt onto him that he does nothing that he doesn't want to do, and I believe him. I am inspired to truly grow (from the inside out) in order to be there for him when he needs me should that ever happen. It's just a totally different scenario, and it isn't always comfortable for me because it means I can't project a perfect picture to friends and family who would prefer it.

In fact, it seems I am digging deeper and deeper into my own discomfort in order to finally truly arise. Like some deep-rooted weeds that mine the depths of the soil and bring up those minerals and nutrients to the surface, I have to watch the growth of my discomfort and nip it in the bud before it becomes a reproductive weed. Naturally a deep-rooted weed helps depleted soil in a way that nothing else can, so can discomfort point force me to recognize myself and heal. Only when I accept all of myself will I be writing from a greater Source, and delivering the greater message I know I am capable of delivering.

Chapter One, Part One - Fallow Fields

Therefore, I risk the roll of eyes to say this: this is one of those "fallow" periods -- you know -- when you let the fields sit without anything but shit on them.

I hereby give you permission to not know, to not do, and to even let parts of life slip away (only do it with a little bit of satisfaction -- like dropping off a load at Goodwill). You do what you have to do to survive, but otherwise let it all go. I have, and it feels, finally, like a choice.

For the past year, I've been merely eliminating weeds in my personal and professional life. Lots of weeds. I've just stopped feeding relationships that constantly made me feel bad, for instance. I've stopped chasing writing jobs I know I'd hate, and jobs I'd be bored by, and have learned to live on nearly nothing, fumes really. I've determined to eliminate teaching classes for a while until I have something new to share. I'm not exactly brave about this, but in the end though it seems crazy, it feels right. However, it looks like I've been carrying on on the surface, running my kids around, getting married, getting pregnant, having a miscarriage, teaching, social networking -- still for the most part I've been withdrawing from the action that I'm used to because I was not enjoying ANYTHING most of the time.

Having been a person who had NO boundaries before, I've been erecting high walls with barbed wire lately. I will not let anyone into my life right now that is waiting for my next fabulous idea, plan, etc. There aren't many people who can take it when you answer the question, "What's up?" with "Not much," and you really mean it. I have a new appreciation for folks who don't have to explain the world, have a plan or achieve. I think Facebook and social networking in general is causing a crisis that hasn't been addressed -- which is now we all see where everyone has ended up and it just sucks sometimes. Like hit my head against the wall sucks.

But then, I look at what I was stubbornly dealing with: an abusive marriage for 20 years, moving like 20 times, supporting everyone, excuses, of course excuses that I created without end. I have had some interesting experiences...blah, blah, blah...but I CAN look at my kids and feel that it was worth it for them to come into the world, my world. I CAN see that I've finally landed in a relationship that accepts me as I AM (and that is a fallow field covered in shit right now), even when I still have trouble with that myself.

I've not been active in my ambitions because they felt false this year, and I determined to stop trying to figure it out, to stop trying to make everything fit when it didn't fit. Every fine idea I had has gone mostly un-acted on and eliminated really. Sure, this has happened before unconsciously, anyway, because I was so busy filling up my life with excuses, but this time I’ve chosen to not pursue things I “ought” to pursue, in favor of not doing anything at all. I can see now it is better to choose to eliminate weeds than to choke the fields with too many crops, that may or may not be suited to the conditions.

Want to know what the result of this weeding and sitting has been?