I've been wondering as I've added more hours, more responsiblity to my little job at the BJCC, if business in effect has become our stand-in for stability. Does the act of participating in commerce itself define what it is to be stable in the world?
I believe not, but I also believe we spend most of our lives fooled by this smoke and mirrors trap. Having spent nearly a year homeless, without a home to be more precise, and feeling less stable, less real than I have ever felt before in my life, it has been some relief to have this business to participate in. Relief does not equal stability though. It simply represents a ticket to play the same game that everyone else is playing. Perhaps, if I had much, much more to play with I could really feel stable? But, I've had that, and I felt just as frightened then as I do now. So, it must be something else that frightens me besides lack or abundance of playing pieces for the commerce game.
Provisions do not have to be so complex. A bowl of rice. A cup of tea. A roof. A blanket. What has become of us in our search for stability?
And, all of this thought dovetails so nicely with my discovery of Judaism. That bigotted, self-embarrassed part of me that so longs to keep up. That intellectual part of me that rejects keeping up. The part of me that understands that I am Job. The part of me that finds irony in the similar word: job. I have a job. I work for a Jewish organization. I'm not well paid, but it is a fantastic opportunity to serve a long heritage that has been much neglected. I know I'm there on purpose, for a job. I know that I am Job redeeming myself. It is all so perfect sometimes I can't help just smiling all the time.