Sometimes change comes so fast that it leaves you breathless.
I generally avoid changes like these because they're so uncomfortable. Even a breathless change takes a few months to fully bloom. Thank God for time. Thank You for time to unfold change. What would we do without it?
A few months from now I know that my life will have a new feel to it. I know it without a doubt because I've been through these changes before even though I've tried to avoid them. I know this change is simply a change and that the point is to stay neutral no matter what, but I have to say I'm pretty excited.
Why do we get excited about change? Do we imagine that the external change will change us inside? Of course, it never does and then we have to deal with ourselves in a new environment or set of circumstances. The problems that get resolved by a change morph into a new set of problems for our egos to crack open over time. This is what makes storytelling great -- when one set of problems gets exchanged for a new set of problems. This is what makes the Bible such a great book. Never ending change, never ending problems to deal with and it is relentless.
And, yet we still believe in improvement and progress. We're so funny.
Today I am happy. I am in a committed relationship that I'm so proud of it brings tears to my eyes just to think of it. This man has come to me and met me where I am and loves me in spite of everything that I've done and keep on doing in spite of my best intentions to be changed! He says luck has nothing to do with it, but I don't know how to express how I feel about it other than to say, "I feel very lucky."
He's moving here as early as next week because he has been offered a good job, better than the one he has now. The rest of the summer will be about deciding how we live. Will we move in together? Will we stay separate for a while longer? What is the best thing for our financial well-being? What is the best thing for our hearts? What is the best thing for the children? They say they want to live together, but do they really? Are they ready to have a black man in their lives for the rest of their lives, just because Mom is ready? Should I even be concerned about that? Is there anyway to live my life if I only think of their lives?
My son said, "I will be the only kid in my class with a black step-father. I will be the most different of everyone." He also said, "I hope you marry him, Mom."
My daughter is all wrapped up in the trappings of the wedding -- though we may decide eloping is the wisest option. In fact, this is a moral question as well. Do I believe we should be married before we live together? Am I that old-fashioned? In a way I am, not so much for me but for my kids. Again, I find it difficult to make a decision about any of this without considering how it impacts them.
My hope is that we'll live together because I believe that the stability card will trump the fear card. I feel like it is a deep shift, deeper than I know, and so even though I hope one thing, I will take as much of a breath as I can take during this breathless change. I must find patience in my large bag of tricks and let the petals of this change unfold with a neutral point of view. Do you think I can do it?