Friday, December 16, 2011

Lies I Tell Myself about How My Brain Got a Tumor and Went Haywire

My dear Facebook guide of how words work, Oriah Mountain Dreamer, inspired me to approach this brain tumor thing from a new angle last week. She suggested that rather than trying to figure out the truth about how this brain tumor happened to me, I simply go for a lie. That is that sometimes when we just make stuff up, as in fiction, the truth comes to the surface more easily. I can never stop with one, so as the week did progress, many lies surfaced, and I think what follows are my top ten:

  1. I am really a seventh dimension being trapped in a third dimension body and placed this tumor as a reminder, a book mark for time, in case I got distracted, to return to my true mission for visiting planet earth. As I came closer to the time for carrying this plan out the tumor expands just enough to utterly change my life. I accept that change is the one thing I can count on not to change.    
  2. A very small Christmas Elf wandered into my ear one year, and while trapped there inspired me to be a Yuletide Addict. Now that I’m on the 12-step program of recovery, the Elf is wreaking havoc because it knows I’ll never go back. I am appreciative that I am no longer addicted to events, appearances and circumstances, and can enjoy good things without blowing them out of proportion.
  3. When I was threatened by a couple of boys holding a gun to my head at age ten, the idea of fear and danger planted an actual seed in my brain. This led me to make choices that were dangerous and caused fear so that I could store them in the left temporal lobe for future exploration so that I might dispel fear and danger completely. Now, the file is full and it is time to deal with it and face my fears head on.
  4. Having my head pounded against the floor caused a mass of cells to become confused and start growing there instead of someplace else. When confusion passed safely the cells announced themselves so that they and my past trauma could be removed. Boundaries are my friends and I am worthy of love and forgiveness for all of the blind turns I took.
  5.  I inherited this tumor from my grandmother when she died because the pressure it creates in my left temporal lobe forces me to expand my vocabulary. Her vocabulary and love of books was her greatest gift to me. The only problem is that she also lost her mind towards the end of her life. Luckily medicine has advanced.  I remember I’m grateful.  
  6. Cells in my body detected a nanobot, planted there by a CIA-like agency, and decided to surround it, causing an auto-immune over-reaction to just about everything else just to keep it under control. Thus my body foiled the plans of said government agency to turn me into a tea party advocate. However, now that the plan has been taken up by others, the agency is trying to destroy the nanobot’s evidence and that has caused the swelling and recent over-reaction to that which is supposed to be “therapeutic”. I must trust my body. 
  7. The tumor is a frustrated demon that has been unable to stimulate my mathematics comprehension and to undermine my creativity and is now having a temper tantrum as it has become obvious that this idea is an utter failure. I must remain calm and not allow my shortcomings to continually undermine and frustrate me.  
  8. Disrupting all forms of self-discipline this tumor is the result of a past-life as a Voodoo Doctor’s zombie-making in ancient Africa. Forcing me to experience zombification in short bursts. Karma is hell. I must stay awake and increase my self-discipline.  
  9. All of my accomplishments are the result of having extra pressure on my brain from the tumor, and all of my failures are punishable by the expansion of the tumor. I just happened to reach a tipping point where the balance went over to failure. I must find my value, and my values in this world.
  10. The tumor is my connection to my twin spirit living in a parallel universe. Something has happened to my twin and now the connection is broken and the tumor is self-destructing. I must learn to live independently and become self-reliant.

        Some lies are more entertaining than others, some lies are truth masquerading. Each one is the premise line of a story through which truth could potentially rise. These particular lies represent in metaphors of a number of things that I’ve been consciously working on through my life.  Rich with subtle diversity, I am stunned by the relationship they have to how I truly feel.  The big issues of existence, addiction, fear, trauma, inheritance, over-reaction, dis/order, self-discipline, self-worth, and alienation/self-reliance are all here, I see. Blush. I’m very blessed to have now such a map.

1 comment:

Oriah said...

Wow- Amanda, I cannot say that I have ever seen this writing exercise used more imaginatively or with the potentail to (hopefully) reveal more insight -probably not into the medical side of the tumour but certainly into where it "sits" in your psyche, history and journey. I love them ALL - so much richness in each one. I am blown away! Much love and many blessings, Oriah