Sunday, December 28, 2008

dazed and confused

Maybe it is just me.

I've noticed a certain growing sense of uncertainty about the future that is leading us all to bask in a certain nostalgia. I used that uncertain/certain comparison on purpose. I know people actually moving back to childhood homes. This Facebook thing has taken me on a month long high school reunion experience I could never have predicted a few years ago. I've spent hours looking forward to reading what people I haven't seen for twenty-five years have written. I am distinctly not so interested in most people in my present circle -- a few, but not many.

The comfort of revisiting the morals of the people I grew up with, to see if we're all still on the same page, is really addictive. The relief of talking to people who grew up in an interracial community (Park Hill, Denver, CO - circa 1970s), who have now traveled to and lived in other places that were not like that is sustaining in a way that even the election of Obama is not.

I mean when I say, well yeah, I danced with black boys, and sang with black girls when I was quite young, has turned out to be inconceivable to even my dearest love. It has made me feel like I'm lying or something, questioning my own memories...and then Facebook! Sigh. I feel redeemed.

There are only a few people I'm still looking for...people I worked with in Los Angeles who I miss. Isn't it weird that I should feel attached to people who I only knew 12 years ago, and for only a decade? But, then that's about how long I knew the people I grew up with. Who needs reincarnation? We in our lifetimes live so many complete lives, that are separate and unique that we have many opportunities to improve our game right now. The decisions we made twenty-five years ago have ramifications for life, after life. Then suddenly, we're given the opportunity to rectify!

It actually makes me feel like the world is ending. That we're being given the chance to revisit our entire lives via the Internet, is sort of like that thing they say happens when you die -- your whole life flashing before your eyes. The choices we made come forward and we see easily where we misfired and what we might have done differently. This is recapitulation on a grand scale. Can it be only me experiencing this strangeness?

Is the future so uncomfortable that we're unwilling to look at it anymore?

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