Wednesday, August 12, 2009

dead ends, patience and armegeddon

Today I had three dreams. In the first dream I lived on a hill overlooking a valley town, and the world was on fire. Finding safety was the primary concern of the dream. The fire was literally racing through the streets, and somehow I'd made it up the hill to some kind of concrete building with a window looking down over the black smoke and blazes. In the building there were few people, but all who were there were wandering around sort of dazed and disoriented. There was an older Oriental woman carrying her pocket book and looking out of the window matter-of-factly. She was going on about buying shoes, and whether the sale would continue.

I set out today to write something. I don't really know what I was thinking in allowing myself such an open-ended approach. Of course, that's not going to work. Duh. The thing is I've started several outlines for screenplays this summer but have found they're not moving my soul. I'm waiting for that illusive "inspiration." So, I puttered. I made marinade for my chicken breasts for dinner tonight...olive oil, lime, salt, garlic, chile powder. I decided to cut up a jicama and marinate it as well. I did a load of laundry. I took a shower. I waited for something to pop into my mind...a blank. I finally took a nap.

So, then I dreamt that I was driving a new car and falling asleep at the wheel. I decided that I should probably park the car before I had a wreck. I pulled into what I thought was a bank parking garage ramp, but it turned out to be a pedestrian ramp leading from the garage, and as I drove up the ramp not realizing what it was, I saw the same older Oriental woman standing at the elevator, tsk-tsking me. At that point I ended the dream, woke for a moment, and then fell back asleep.

Then I was a frantic mother in a dream looking for her lost son in a darkened building. There was an industrial feel about the place. Pools of water here and there, and a giant freezer in the middle of the floor. The man I was with (the father?) insisted that we had to look in the freezer, but I said, "No! No! NO!" I refused to look into the freezer though the dream itself was compelling me to do so. In my resistance I managed to come up with many different possibilities of where my son could be and when I was sure that he was not in the freezer but just around the corner I allowed the man to open the freezer. My son was not in the freezer, and there were even blankets in the freezer to keep him warm if he had been in there! My relief was enormous, and I knew that I would find him soon.

I am at a dead end to some extent professionally. I know it has to do with the economy and not the merit of my work. However, it is disheartening and I wonder about it greatly. My thought about the three of these dreams is that I have to find out what the older Oriental woman represents. Secondly, I am consumed with fear and exhaustion. Thirdly, I can dream my way out of it.

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