Chapter Seven - Part Two - Late Spring Snow

This is my one hundredth blog as KosmicEgg. Certainly that is something to be proud of at some level. I don't have many readers, but I have always viewed the blog as a practice, a place to experiment with whatever I was thinking about. I have offered my notions about rebuilding a life after divorce at various levels (personal, romantic, and professional). It is only in March that I started an organized approach to this field.

Today as I look out at my fallow field, waiting to test it, I see a blanket of snow. This cover crop of beans that is my blog is hearty and is unlikely to suffer from the wet, slushy stuff. In fact, most likely the snow helps it in the coldest, darkest moments of the night by protecting it from the sub-freezing temperatures and harsh winds. Nevertheless, it feels like an endless delay so filled with anticipation am I about getting started on a worthy project.

What does a farmer do with such a snow? Apparently, a late spring can change what a farmer will plant. Early spring yields a corn crop, sweet and certainly profitable. A late spring asks for a bean crop, like soy beans, hearty and weather resistant. For an orchard that is already planted snow can be helpful or disastrous, depending on the development of the crop. I guess I feel sort of wise that my orchard is just a vision at the moment, because this snow is not just a literal fact outside in Colorado, it is my writer's mind, too.

Remember the snow that the Good Witch, Glenda, sent to save Dorothy from the "field of poppies"? I'm kind of hoping that this snow helps my mind refocus and re-frame the journey I'm on. And, in a way it has already. You see I've settled on the idea that my true desire is to plant this orchard. To use the metaphor of fruit-bearing trees to think about screenwriting is a specific choice. Think of me as a virtual "Johnny Appleseed" if you will. Why do we love the myth of Johnny Appleseed? Here is this happy fella, tromping through the untamed wilderness dropping apple seeds that he knew would benefit those pioneers who would follow him. It's not a one-shot wonder type of deal.

There is a simple explanation for my vision: STAR TREK. Oh ho, you say, the truth comes out. It may seem like I must have an ego the size of the Enterprise to even dream of such a thing, a franchise of characters, universes, ways of being that create more and more. However, I have to say it is simply a matter of respecting the path that I happened to walk. I figure there must be some reason that I worked in the world of STAR TREK for 9 years to the point where I was dreaming in Klingon. It is not that I want to recreate STAR TREK! No, no! Goodness no. But the thing is that I saw how STAR TREK so inspired so many people to create in that field, and it supported countless families, and inspired space travel by people who might otherwise never have dreamed of it, and it broke thought barriers and it inspired technological designs. Gene Roddenberry created this idea of a "wagon train through the stars" at just the right moment, perhaps, but he thought about it for a long time, and he nursed it along to fruition for even longer. I would like to create a project that I could tend for a lifetime and be proud of as it expanded beyond the breadth of my own mind.

Certainly, there are other franchises now that we can see as orchards - Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Twilight, Stan Lee's Creations, Dune, the Oz books, Little House on the Prairie, Star Wars, and, of course, The Chronicles of Narnia that inspired me to write some 35 years ago. Imagine how these books and films have employed so many creative people, entertained and inspired the audience...It's huge. These are the orchards of writing, where a crop reproduces itself year after year with tender care. But, an orchard does take a great deal of time to mature, and so it is quite an investment to consider. This is not going to mean the "overnight" success which I would truly love to experience.

I look out on that field covered with snow and I wonder if my plans are wise in any way. Should I plant something that will yield a crop this year, and forget about the bigger investment until I have some comfort? Or shall I forgo comfort, for not only myself but also for my family, in the hopes that the bigger investment will grow as my dreams promise?

Episode Thirteen

I am incredibly successful. Whew. I'm quite certain by the most basic American standards that I look, appear to be a complete failure. Financially, I can say I've experienced moderate success for short spurts. However, basically most of my life I have struggled to make it enough of a priority to really gain solid ground on that mountain. I've worked for enough financial successes to know that it takes absolute commitment to make a whole lot of money. It's the kind of focus I'm not sure I'm really interested in at the moment. Though I do conclude stability is an extraordinary goal I chase.

So how can I measure "incredible success" and thereby make this statement confidently? Besides eminent wealth, "success" can be defined by the accomplishment of a favorable or desirable outcome, and "incredible" means that it is too extraordinary to be believed. This makes me laugh. I'll tell you why. Today I went shopping with my daughter with a very, very limited budget. She took her own babysitting money and some gift cards she's been saving since Christmas. She spent it all. With what she had, she was frugal and wise, and careful in her choices. She did not whine at me to give her more, and she was quite graceful in her gratitude for what I could give to her. Is this not exactly the essence of "incredible success" in parenting? My own "lack" has provided her with more wisdom than I could have ever paid for.

In the meantime, I can also say I am incredibly successful in the pursuit of my truth and I feel I'm getting closer everyday to actually accepting what I know to be true for me. Willingly, I give up having the stuff, if only I can get down to what I believe will serve humanity the best way I can. I know that a word of encouragement during a hard moment, or a clap of applause for a tiny triumph of my friends and acquaintances means more to me than being able to take them out to dinner or buy them a gift. I'm paying attention. I'm incredibly successful in paying attention. That's what I do as a writer and as a human being.

Episode Three

I bless the gift of disappointment. Let’s not confuse love with getting everything we desire. That would lead us to believe that there are people who are more favored by the Universe, and cause us to wonder why we suffer failures so often. What if we just could stop wondering why things happened the way that they do, and instead focus on this moment, and this one, and this one? Even the moment of disappointment becomes acute, powerful and incredible with that kind of focus, and, more interestingly, easy to let go of finally.

I discussed this topic with a friend who has surely experienced many disappointments in his short, so-far life. Still he remains motivated and went so far as to say that disappointment was the most necessary ingredient of success. For me disappointment may be the training ground for determination. Disappointing circumstances spur me to understand more than I understood before and the gift of having that understanding is what I need to change my own paradigm. Disappointment may loosen my grip on habits that don’t work, and led me the wrong way.

Disappointment is always cause for self-reflection and a reason to practice self-forgiveness. While it is uncomfortable, disquieting and even painful, disappointment always leads to a better pathway to triumph. Disappointment can become the rungs of the ladder we climb to the stars.