I can't quite figure out what I have been doing this past year, and yet I have never been so busy. I suppose I was spinning my wheels like a hamster in a cage with no place to go and lots of energy. Right now I'm simply sitting in that wheel of necessity. My goal is to get to the hub, so that as it is spinning I don't feel so damned dizzy.
Looking at the wheel I can see I have to devote my energy to certain things. I have to care for my children when I have them. That's a priority. Then when I don't have them it is like what? It is like an empty pie-tin that I have to fill up. I miss them so very much, and I worry about the fact that they don't have me there to run to as they always did before. I know I can't think about this for very long or I fall into a pit of despair.
So, I've been very busy. Those who know me well will be surprised it has taken me, what, five posts to mention Argentine Tango. In fact, I haven't been dancing as much since May. Still it is on my mind, and it did change my life forever. There have been times in the last year and a half when I have tangoed as many as five nights in a row. I was like a monkey in the jungle and the vines that kept me swinging through my life, were tango classes and milongas. For a moment, just a moment, I actually progressed and felt the dance move through my body like a new rhythm.
Then there was a job hunt. This is an activity that thus far has had no end. I've interviewed at many of the places I wanted to work at, but something about my demeanor I suppose, got me rejected. I think now that I have a home that I can afford that will change substantially. I'm looking forward to seeing whether this theory is true. When I believed that I could not support my children in a home for less than $60K a year, interviewing for jobs that paid less was so depressing, I can't tell you. Now, that I have a limit on my income or I lose my home, it opens up the world of options to me. I'm excited about it. I really don't know that there is a way I can't survive. Even if I just did Tarot Readings, or just a very small copywriting job every month, I could survive and support my kids. So surely, this knowledge will spill over into the way I meet and greet.
Then I have had such a love life. I had to find out some things about myself and men and that adventure has taken up a smidgen of my time. This is a whole blog post in and of itself. I wonder if I will share and what I will share if I do? Suffice it to say, I've learned many valuable lessons along the way.
The last thing that took up all of my time, I suppose was being homeless. If you've never been dislocated then you cannot imagine this I promise. Taking your things from place to place, sleeping on friends' couches and having most of your stuff in storage is such a time suck, it is really amazing. Packing and unpacking, searching and trying to put things safely away, is such a challenge and not for only myself, but also for my kids. I have boxes now in four places. It is ridiculously complicated. One cannot have friends visit, one cannot have a lover, one cannot arrange sleepovers and slumber parties for one's kids. It goes on and on as to how it affects the whole picture. I've done it for a year, and I'm ready to stop.
This year has been full of activity, but relief will not come from lack of activity. Rather relief will come from focused, simplified activity. The routine looks very appealing...