Thursday, April 15, 2010

Chapter One, Part One - Fallow Fields

Therefore, I risk the roll of eyes to say this: this is one of those "fallow" periods -- you know -- when you let the fields sit without anything but shit on them.

I hereby give you permission to not know, to not do, and to even let parts of life slip away (only do it with a little bit of satisfaction -- like dropping off a load at Goodwill). You do what you have to do to survive, but otherwise let it all go. I have, and it feels, finally, like a choice.

For the past year, I've been merely eliminating weeds in my personal and professional life. Lots of weeds. I've just stopped feeding relationships that constantly made me feel bad, for instance. I've stopped chasing writing jobs I know I'd hate, and jobs I'd be bored by, and have learned to live on nearly nothing, fumes really. I've determined to eliminate teaching classes for a while until I have something new to share. I'm not exactly brave about this, but in the end though it seems crazy, it feels right. However, it looks like I've been carrying on on the surface, running my kids around, getting married, getting pregnant, having a miscarriage, teaching, social networking -- still for the most part I've been withdrawing from the action that I'm used to because I was not enjoying ANYTHING most of the time.

Having been a person who had NO boundaries before, I've been erecting high walls with barbed wire lately. I will not let anyone into my life right now that is waiting for my next fabulous idea, plan, etc. There aren't many people who can take it when you answer the question, "What's up?" with "Not much," and you really mean it. I have a new appreciation for folks who don't have to explain the world, have a plan or achieve. I think Facebook and social networking in general is causing a crisis that hasn't been addressed -- which is now we all see where everyone has ended up and it just sucks sometimes. Like hit my head against the wall sucks.

But then, I look at what I was stubbornly dealing with: an abusive marriage for 20 years, moving like 20 times, supporting everyone, excuses, of course excuses that I created without end. I have had some interesting experiences...blah, blah, blah...but I CAN look at my kids and feel that it was worth it for them to come into the world, my world. I CAN see that I've finally landed in a relationship that accepts me as I AM (and that is a fallow field covered in shit right now), even when I still have trouble with that myself.

I've not been active in my ambitions because they felt false this year, and I determined to stop trying to figure it out, to stop trying to make everything fit when it didn't fit. Every fine idea I had has gone mostly un-acted on and eliminated really. Sure, this has happened before unconsciously, anyway, because I was so busy filling up my life with excuses, but this time I’ve chosen to not pursue things I “ought” to pursue, in favor of not doing anything at all. I can see now it is better to choose to eliminate weeds than to choke the fields with too many crops, that may or may not be suited to the conditions.

Want to know what the result of this weeding and sitting has been?

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