Episode Five

I allow myself to think big dreams. Lately I’ve been withdrawing from the world. Almost as if I’m fasting from everything and everyone who I once filled my life with frantically in an effort to steady my dreams. Now, my air and my water are my kids and my husband. I’m really at bare minimum most of the time. A part of this fasting has been to cleanse my brain of dreams that I took up over time that might not have been my own entirely. I want not to have to defend dropping them to anyone else, as I am having a hard enough time with my own discernment.

I’m trying to get down to the nut, to the pit, to the seed idea. It’s not so much going back to what I wanted to be when I grew up, as it is finding the action that swells me up with enthusiasm now. What I have found is that most of the things I come across are too small to inspire me to action. I am looking for the impossible dream, the dream that is so big it will challenge me for the rest of my life. I want to want to "Climb Every Mountain."

I have some contenders incubating right now to see if they hold up, or if they can sprout, or if they’ve been dormant too long and need to be added to the compost. I’m searching for the dream that contributes beauty to the world, serves humanity somehow for a long-time, and that is worthy of all the mistakes I’m likely to make on the path. These dreams will change lives, and that's what they're for after all.

It is a narrowing of an aperture on dreams that have been left on panoramic view for far too long, but it is still not narrowed into wide-angle, yet. You see when you're looking through a panoramic viewer then everything seems small and insignificant except when it is all together. A focus on a few big dreams and then each one gains stature. I finally realize that I can't do everything in the panorama, but I can do a few big things well. Big dreams are the ones that have the potential to sustain and maintain a life for a lifetime, and perhaps others beyond.